September 22, 2013

We got to come home yesterday from the hospital after an emotionally exhausting week in Calgary.  We went up to start chemo again on Tuesday and they discovered that her ALT and AST numbers were through the roof which shows your liver functions.  They decided to do an ultrasound the next day and I went up to be there with them when we got the results.  They were not good.  There is a blockage coming from her liver and there is also inflammation of her pancreas.  They put her on higher amounts of steroids and said we would watch her numbers but right now chemo is not an option.  She is having abdominal pain because of the obstruction and it is making her jaundice.  Her skin and her whites of her eyes are turning yellow and Brynn doesn't like how her cheeks get puffy being on the steroids.  Calling her in and talking to her with the doctors was one of the hardest things we have done yet.  She is so perceptive and she knew the news was not good.  When they called us all into the room I just held her tight on my lap and prayed for the peace and comfort we would need.  First Brynn was hysterical and saying- " Your just going to let me die???"  But in true Brynn nature about an hour later she was calm and asking questions that a 13 year old girl should never have to ask.  She blows me away!  It was just like when I got the call when she was diagnosed and she was crying and asking about chemo and then she stopped and asked " Can I get a blonde wig?" and then went out to play on the trampoline while I watched out the window in tears.  She teaches me so much by her example and she always has such a sweet spirit with her. I know that she is being blessed and comforted to be able to handle all that she can.  We are doing are best to help her through everything and to keep hope that her numbers will come down to where they need to be to start chemo again. She is a figher and said tonight that all she wants for her birthday in two weeks is to be getthing chemo.  As much as we try to do what we can for her- she is comforting and blessing us much more.  We are heading back tomorrow (Monday) to Calgary and taking the whole family with us to enjoy spending time together.  We will continue to have hope- even though the things we hope for are changing as our journey changes.  I read a story of some people building wells in Africa and they had to carry trucks of supplies over the bridges.  The bridge was only supposed to hold a certain weight and their load was twice the limit.  They would bring extra lumber and reinforce the bridge and strengthen it so they could drive over it- then take their lumber with them and do the same thing with the next bridge.   At the end of the story it said "In any heartbreak there is just so much hurt, so much pain, so much loneliness.  Those are part of human experience and God does not always deaden them or take them away.  But though He does not always lighten the load, He does reinforce the bridge."
That is exactly how I'm feeling - My heart is aching and this is the hardest thing I can imagine..... but He is reinforcing our bridge.