October 20, 2013 Our Sweet Angel Brynn

On October 19th, 2013 our sweet angelic Brynn went home to live with her Father in Heaven.  This past week we had the privelage of sharing many tender moments with her.  A couple of weeks ago I thought to myself- the only other day in October that I can think has any special meaning would be the 19th because that was my due date when I was expecting Brynn and then she came 2 weeks early!  The days all run together and I never know what day of the week it is- let alone the actual date.  A couple of days ago  I told Kevin that and wouldn't that be strange if that was the day she went.  We both thought there is no way that will happen- she's going to go longer than that.  On the 18th things drastically changed with her.  We were still giving her MANY baths a day because they helped with the pain in her back.  Usually I could just have a hold of her arm and it was starting to take 2 of us to hold onto her getiing in the tub.  The morning of the 18th she woke up and wanted to move to the lazyboy chair.  Kevin and I had ahold of both arms when her legs completly buckled underneath her and she had no strength in her legs.  She told us later that day that her legs were knumb.  Her one eye where her lump was on her temple was sagging that day and she didn't seem to be using it and it would stay mostly shut.  That evening her nose started bleeding out of the blue and they said it was probably the tumor in her head pressing on vessels.  She had another meal of crab with her dad- the only thing she has been eating the entire week is crab legs and coke!  We kept telling the doctors it was the 2 main food groups!  We had a nice bath in the big tub with the nurses help and she would smile in complete relaxation.  That night was the roughtest we had- Kevin and I were up with her until 5:30 or so and she was throwing up and not able to get it out.  She was having a hard time breathing and it was extremely hard to watch.  For the first time we didn't see death as the worst thing possible for her.  Kevin told her that both her grandpas were waiting for her and that she had fought long and hard but she didn't need to fight anymore.  We couldn't tell her enough how extremely proud we were of her and she has taught us so much.  Brynn waited until everyone woke up the in morning.  Her sister Sadie was able to hold her hand and spend some time with her.  Suddenly her breathing changed and we were able to all be with her holding her hands- telling her how much we love her when she took her final breath.  I couldn't believe it happened that quickly after thinking through the night that I really couldn't watch her suffer like that anymore. 
Kade had gone home the night before with my sister to play football and we felt so bad her wasn't there.  We didn't want him to find out before we got home and could tell him.  Packing up and driving home was so hard. I just felt numb and empty inside without her.  I was going to type this last night but I layed on Brynn's bed and wept- trying to smell her on her pillow and hold on to her as tight as I can.  We have been inseparable for the last 3 years.  Last night I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself without taking temperatures, giving pills at exact times throughout the day, silencing beeping med pumps, and just caring for her in general.  It's going to be a huge adjustment.
Sadie is going to have an extremely hard time.  "Sadie and Brynn" has been just one word since she was 2.  The two of them have been inseparable and the best of friends.  They had a special bond and it's going to be a lonely time for her.  I know she will feel Brynn with her- there is no way that Brynn wouldn't continue being there for her as she always has been.
I feel the need to pay special tribute to my husband Kevin.  I don't think there is a more devoted and amazing dad out there.  Kevin comes across as a tough guy, but Brynn had him wrapped around her little finger.  He was so soft and gentle with her.  He was her hero who would never give up and would do anything to make what she wanted happen.  He would run to Red Lobster all the time for her but then started buying frozen crab.  He would cook it every day and sit by her and shell it for her and feed it to her.  She would always have a smile on her face and the doctors couldn't believe she was able to eat it!  The last couple of weeks it was Daddy that Brynn would call out for.  She wanted us both there with her but if Kevin was even in the next room she would call for him.  She felt safe with him close by and he was truly her protector and hero.  I will forever be grateful to him for his tender care with her.  I will never wonder how he will be if I get sick because I know how nurturing he is and that he will always take care of his family.
Brynn kept her sense of humor right to the end.  She was calling the shots and when she asked for gravol and the nurse would say how about we wait for bed- she would quickly and politely say- could I please have it right now?  She would bob her head to the music while she lay in the tub.  The other day she was getting out of the tub and I asked where she wanted to move to?  There were a couple different chairs or her bed that were options.  She said could I go in the magenta chair?  I burst out laughing- only Brynn would call the color of chair magenta! Everyone called her a sweetheart.  We had all new nurses at the rotary flames house and they quickly came to love Brynn and say the same things the nurses at Unit one would say.  She is so polite, such a sweetie, there is something about this girl that makes us just love her.  Even when we thought she was sound asleep she would whisper a thank you when the nurses changed her med bag or fixed her beeping pump.  Always so polite.
Brynn truly has changed everyone she has met for good.  She rubs off on anyone that comes in contact with her.  She was such an easy child, so willing to help out, always likes things neat and tidy and didn't want any contention.  I see know that she has always been our angel on earth and that was preparing for her to be our angel in heaven.  I feel honored to be her mother and to have the privilege of having her in our family and home for 14 years.  I'm so grateful for all the quality time alone we have spent together for the last 3 years that she has been sick.  She has always been by my side and we enjoy doing so many similar things together.  I will miss her more than I can explain and truly have a hole in my heart with her gone.  I know she is running, swimming, with her dog Zoe and her two grandpas as well as many friends that have passed before her.  I hope and pray that our family can continue feeling her presence with us.  I know we will be together forever and am so grateful that she helped get our family to the temple.  I love you  Brynn.  Families Are Forever<3